{almost} 5 years of marriage strategies

With weddings to attend this summer and our upcoming five year anniversary, I have wondered what  strategies or traits have we developed that helped us grow a thriving marriage? It certainly wasn't luck or lack of problems...

Sure, there are couples with amazing marriages more seasoned than our own, but there is something unique to each season of marriage and the challenges of this time are still very fresh in our memories. After the butterflies and "all we need is love" mentality ended, we had to get to work. Here are a few marriage strategies we've learned in the first 5 years:

• Forgiveness is final. Once you have forgiven your spouse, the act is in the past and cannot be used as ammunition in future arguments.
• Hit the pause button. We learned after far too many long, frustrating nights, that the verse "don't let the sun go down on your anger" should not be used to drive each other to delirium in the wee hours of the morning in a circular argument. Try to resolve disagreements quickly. Endlessly listing every aspect of your spouse's actions and why you were hurt is not helpful. If the disagreement isn't going anywhere, find a place to peacefully stop the conversation, agree on a time to finish the discussion, and say goodnight.
• Don't say the "d" word. Using words like "divorce" in the midst of a heated argument is corrosive and inflammatory.
• Seek wise counsel. Find marriage mentors, a trusted couple unrelated to either of you, and/or married peers who will actively support and encourage your marriage. And listen to their advice!
• Let go of toxic relationships. If there are people in your life who belittle or undermine your spouse or marriage, in the interest of growing a healthy marriage, it may be time to move on from those friendships. *note added* make sure you are not that toxic person... We committed to never tear each other down with others. When we are apart, we still speak kindly and respectfully about each other, even if we've had a disagreement.  Gossiping about your own spouse creates an attitude of  resentment and disrespect toward your spouse in you and in those listening. 
• Do things together. Find activities that you can enjoy together (things that aren't passive like TV). For us, we have enjoyed working out, cooking, playing games, completing projects together, going to dinner. Making this time to do things together, takes more effort after having kids!
• Do things separately. Give each other space to have time alone or to pursue your passions. Each person in the relationship needs this time, even if they haven't mentioned it. We've gotten to the point where I will directly ask Brandon, "Do you need 'cave time'"? And he will do the same for me.
• Invest in same-sex friendships. Every husband needs other male friends, every wife needs other female friends. You CANNOT be everything for each other. We already have a savior, and he is not you or your spouse.
• Take time out to dream/plan. Whether it's weekly, monthly, or quarterly, make a point of talking about how things are going, what you envision happening in the future, and what you would like to happen. This may involve making lists or action steps.

• You are a new and unique family. While you both remain a part of your original families and under the "umbrella" of that family, the two of you have your own family or "umbrella" that your parents are not a part of. (The umbrella metaphor is originally from my Grandpa.)
• Be out with the in-laws. When it comes to navigating each other's families, understand that you come from different backgrounds so the spouse related to the family should take the lead on communication and decision-making since they speak the same language in a sense. Give space and respect to the way your in-laws do/see things even if you disagree.
• Get involved. Don't just attend church, participate. Serving in ministry will deepen your faith, introduce you to new people, and bond you closer to your spouse.
• Pray. No, really. I'm not talking about a passive "bless our marriage" prayer. Pray together, pray separately, pray for each other. If there's an issue going on, pray as soon as you can. Before and/or after a heavy conversation, pray. Before making a decision, pray. Intently seeking God for specific requests has deepened our faith and our marriage.

Hopefully this encourages you in your marriage! What are strategies that have worked for you?

1st Father's Day

Dear Daddy,

 

You are teaching me so much.

 

One day, maybe I'll be able to build and fix things like you.

 One day, maybe I'll play sports like you. 

 One day, maybe I'll be able to cook and barbeque like you.

While I don't know what I'll be or what I'll do when I grow up.

I'm thankful that you are my daddy and that you love me no matter what!

Love, Aaron



Roadtripping & Camping with a Baby Part 2

We survived a major camping trip that included 1700 miles of travel, 3 camping locations, 3 states, and 5 nights away. This trip took a lot more organization than our previous camping excursion, but it went much more smoothly! Hopefully, our experiences encourage you to be adventurous with your family. It's ok if things don't go perfectly. Both of our trips had plenty of hiccups, even with lots of planning. But we came away with memories that will be foundational to our family.

Tips for long drives and camping with a baby: 

• Take breaks. Our goal was to try to drive in 3-hour increments before stopping, but being flexible to follow baby's lead in case he needed a stop sooner than that.
• Pack lunches and snacks for the drive. I made sandwiches for every driving day and portioned ziplocks of chips, fruit, and drinks for us. We also had snacks and meals ready to go for Aaron.

 

• Take advantage of community parks on the drive. We used our map app during our drive to find parks along our route. You can find yelp reviews and photos for most parks which can help to ensure that you are finding the correct kind of park (not a business park and in a safe area) and that it has the correct equipment (i.e. slide, bucket swings). It's also a fun adventure! We discovered some really special communities on our drive, like Dunsmuir, CA.

• Know your baby's limits. Aaron's daily driving limit is about 7 hours  (not including stops). It was painful for all of us when we pushed it to 8 hours. Plan accordingly.
• Be flexible!!! We booked a stay in a yurt in beautiful Harris Beach State Park on the Oregon coast. However, when we took our playground break in Medford, OR, it was abundantly clear that the 2.5 more hours of driving to get there was going to be a nightmare for all of us. Not to mention the extra 2.5 hours we would have to spend returning to the I-5 to resume our travels to WA. So we forfeited the $50 for that stay and drove to another campsite that had yurts 30 minutes away. When baby's happiness and comfort come first, the whole family is happier!

• Yurts/Cabins are an easy alternative to tent camping. We just brought some sheets and settled in for the night. It felt so relaxing! Oregon State Parks have the most amazing website to find campgrounds that have yurts, cabins, and even teepees.

• Storage drawers for kitchen supplies. This was an idea we found on Pinterest. It was so much better than digging through a deep tub of supplies.

• Make a detailed menu plan that includes all meals and snacks for baby. We also wrote all the ingredients for every meal so that we forget anything before we left home.

 

 Meals for babies included: pureed chicken soup, yogurt, mashed banana, applesauce, cheese, pear pieces

• Storage containers for baby food. The OXO containers for baby food that I had prepped ahead of time were perfect!
• Baby fence for a safe play area. This was helpful for making sure our crawler didn't go too far. I will say that it works best with a baby who can play alone or with 2 or more little ones.

• Foam tiles for a play area in the tent and for a cushioned walkway. We had a lot of roots and rocks in our campsite, so the extra cushioning was helpful.
• Tent big enough for a pack n play and our air mattress. This made camping so much more comfortable! We were able to put Aaron to bed at his usual bedtime then enjoy some adult time by the fire.

• Dressing baby warmly for sleeping through 50* nights. We put Aaron in fleece pajamas and a beanie to sleep, laid him on top of his lambskin, and covered him with 2 light baby blankets. Even when we were cold under our 2 heavy blankets and sleeping bag, he slept like a rock all night long!
• Toys, toys, toys. We brought lots of toys to provide some distraction during the drive and some entertainment at the campsite. New toys also help provide more interest. I can't believe how many toys we crammed in the car, but I was glad we took them all!
• Baths for baby in a storage tub.

• Put the phone away. Getting pictures is great, but sometimes the camera gets in the way of the moment. I wish I had left mine in the tent more often.
• Adapt and go with the flow. It seems self-explanatory, but when it starts raining or equipment isn't working, it gets really tough to stay focused on the big picture. If everyone can still be fed, sleep, and enjoy themselves, it's going to be fine. For example, we rented a cargo box to go on top of our car, but after our time tent camping with family, it wouldn't open at our next stop. Our tent, camp chairs, pack n play, sleeping bag, extra warm blankets, and astro turf were trapped. Fortunately, our next camping stay was in a yurt so we were done with the tent. We were really bummed to be without the sleeping bag and blankets, but especially anxious about missing the pack n play. While I happened to have a spare blanket in my bag, we had to get more creative to put together Aaron's sleeping arrangement. We took the twin mattress provided in the yurt, put it on the floor, put down blankets, then created a rectangle around the mattress with the baby fence. Ingenuity at its finest!

 

It was such a special weekend of good conversations with Brandon on the long drives and memories of experiences the 3 of us shared over the weekend. On the last night I was putting Aaron to bed and I took a few extra minutes to hold him as I realized how quickly time has passed. Our family will have more adventures, but we will never have that same experience again.