{almost} 5 years of marriage strategies

With weddings to attend this summer and our upcoming five year anniversary, I have wondered what  strategies or traits have we developed that helped us grow a thriving marriage? It certainly wasn't luck or lack of problems...

Sure, there are couples with amazing marriages more seasoned than our own, but there is something unique to each season of marriage and the challenges of this time are still very fresh in our memories. After the butterflies and "all we need is love" mentality ended, we had to get to work. Here are a few marriage strategies we've learned in the first 5 years:

• Forgiveness is final. Once you have forgiven your spouse, the act is in the past and cannot be used as ammunition in future arguments.
• Hit the pause button. We learned after far too many long, frustrating nights, that the verse "don't let the sun go down on your anger" should not be used to drive each other to delirium in the wee hours of the morning in a circular argument. Try to resolve disagreements quickly. Endlessly listing every aspect of your spouse's actions and why you were hurt is not helpful. If the disagreement isn't going anywhere, find a place to peacefully stop the conversation, agree on a time to finish the discussion, and say goodnight.
• Don't say the "d" word. Using words like "divorce" in the midst of a heated argument is corrosive and inflammatory.
• Seek wise counsel. Find marriage mentors, a trusted couple unrelated to either of you, and/or married peers who will actively support and encourage your marriage. And listen to their advice!
• Let go of toxic relationships. If there are people in your life who belittle or undermine your spouse or marriage, in the interest of growing a healthy marriage, it may be time to move on from those friendships. *note added* make sure you are not that toxic person... We committed to never tear each other down with others. When we are apart, we still speak kindly and respectfully about each other, even if we've had a disagreement.  Gossiping about your own spouse creates an attitude of  resentment and disrespect toward your spouse in you and in those listening. 
• Do things together. Find activities that you can enjoy together (things that aren't passive like TV). For us, we have enjoyed working out, cooking, playing games, completing projects together, going to dinner. Making this time to do things together, takes more effort after having kids!
• Do things separately. Give each other space to have time alone or to pursue your passions. Each person in the relationship needs this time, even if they haven't mentioned it. We've gotten to the point where I will directly ask Brandon, "Do you need 'cave time'"? And he will do the same for me.
• Invest in same-sex friendships. Every husband needs other male friends, every wife needs other female friends. You CANNOT be everything for each other. We already have a savior, and he is not you or your spouse.
• Take time out to dream/plan. Whether it's weekly, monthly, or quarterly, make a point of talking about how things are going, what you envision happening in the future, and what you would like to happen. This may involve making lists or action steps.

• You are a new and unique family. While you both remain a part of your original families and under the "umbrella" of that family, the two of you have your own family or "umbrella" that your parents are not a part of. (The umbrella metaphor is originally from my Grandpa.)
• Be out with the in-laws. When it comes to navigating each other's families, understand that you come from different backgrounds so the spouse related to the family should take the lead on communication and decision-making since they speak the same language in a sense. Give space and respect to the way your in-laws do/see things even if you disagree.
• Get involved. Don't just attend church, participate. Serving in ministry will deepen your faith, introduce you to new people, and bond you closer to your spouse.
• Pray. No, really. I'm not talking about a passive "bless our marriage" prayer. Pray together, pray separately, pray for each other. If there's an issue going on, pray as soon as you can. Before and/or after a heavy conversation, pray. Before making a decision, pray. Intently seeking God for specific requests has deepened our faith and our marriage.

Hopefully this encourages you in your marriage! What are strategies that have worked for you?

Camping with a Baby: Things We Did Well & Lessons Learned

After our first camping trip as a family of 3 we are tired, sore, wizened, and already thinking about our next camping trip.

While we had a great time making memories as a new family, we learned a lot. Hopefully our experiences will encourage you to have fun in
the great outdoors with your little ones too!

First, here are some of the things that we did well:

• We just went for it. It's easy to be intimidated by camping with kids, especially babies. But we loved camping before kids, and want to raise our kids enjoying one of our favorite past times.

• We kept baby warm. Between long sleeves, hats, double layered pants, and jackets, baby stayed very warm. At night we wrapped him in a blanket by the campfire. Then, he slept between us which was good for him... but not for us.

• Screened-in awning to keep bugs away from baby and meal time. Brandon found a huge 11'x9' screened-in awning with magnetic closing doors at Costco for $90. That thing was amazing! Looking forward to using this in the summertime when there are lots of mosquitoes. (This one is a similar magnetic door screened cover)

•  Pack n Play area. We put our Pack n Play in the screened-in area to create a safe, clean play space for Aaron. We would put a few select toys in with him and he played independently 10-30 minutes at a time.

• We brought lots of toys and favorite things. Even though space was tight, we brought a full bag of his toys and the familiar lambskin he sleeps on in his crib at home. Those items made independent play time and sleeping go smoothly.
• Clip on seat. This clip on seat hooked right onto the picnic table for our meal times. Bonus: it is compact for travel.

• We planned some low maintenance meals. Cooking meals that are as good or better than meals we make at home is one of our favorite parts of camping. We love Dutch oven cooking, but it is fairly time intensive and better for groups than it is for only 2 adults. So foil packet meals were great for the short prep and almost no clean up. Now, I understand why those boxes of Costco ready to eat cereal bowls were so popular with my family when we were little. (Remember those?!)
  
  
• Astroturf! We got a large piece of Astroturf for free recently and I'm so glad we picked it up! The turf was wonderful as a mat outside the tent to cut down on tracked in dirt and it was a great place to allow Aaron to do some supervised scooting. On our next trip, I don't think he'll stay on the turf as easily though unless we put up some temporary fencing; which, isn't a bad idea!
  
• Prepped meals at home. We spent about 2 hours at home prepping ingredients for meals so they were ready to go. We chopped onions, cooked bacon, fajita chicken, rice, and prepped an apple crisp topping and base. This prep made it so easy to reach into the cooler for the appropriate Ziplock and throw a meal together.
• Ready to go meals for baby. We love those Plum organic squeezeable meal packets! (He loves them too!)
  
  
• We planned a short stay. For our first trip, 2 nights was just right! Since we weren't sure how things would go, it was nice that we found a first come, first served site so we could pay one night at a time. 
• We did research. Campgrounds vary quite a bit. Some are wonderful for families, while some are more for crowds of college kids. Read Yelp, Tripadvisor, reservation details, and look for campground photos. We camped at Butano State Park which was perfect for families!

Ok, so before it sounds like I'm bragging about how great we are, here are some of the lessons we learned from our first campout:

• Everything takes longer. Everyone tells you how much longer things take with a baby, but sometimes you don't believe it until you experience it. Before baby, it would take us 1-1.5 hours to pack up the car and the same to break camp. With baby, it took us 3 hours to do both tasks. Knowing that it would take us that long would have saved me some anxiety.
• More easy meals!!!! We had a few meals that were a bit ambitious. The stuffed fajita peppers and paleo apple crisp were delicious, but could have been skipped or modified to be foil packet meals. This is one I want to focus on and start making a special family camp recipe binder.
• More blankets and warm clothes for mom and dad. Self-explanatory one. Baby was warm, but we were a bit chilly. We were so focused on keeping him warm that we didn't think about ourselves for every situation.
• Bathtime bucket. This time we were able to keep Aaron relatively clean since he is not very mobile yet, but next time we will definitely need to have a bath bucket and supplies under the screened awning for nightly scrub-downs.
• Bigger tent with a designated sleeping space for baby. We took our 4-person tent with a queen size mattress and it was very tight. Brandon and I were almost falling off the mattress with our son sleeping starfish style between us. It was also a bummer that Brandon and I couldn't cuddle in the cold, but rather had to sleep in odd contorted positions to make sure Aaron had enough space. At least he slept amazing! (Sidenote: we had a large tent given to us that we were planning to bring, but we discovered last minute that it was missing all the tent poles!)
  
• Try to keep your baby's nap schedule. Aaron's main nap of the day happens after lunch time from about 1-3, which is pretty typical. We made the mistake of taking an excursion into town during that time hoping that he would be flexible... this was a recipe that led to no afternoon nap and an overtired baby that evening. In my opinion, I think the optimal times for an outing would be in the morning after breakfast or late afternoon (post-nap).

 These last two lessons are the most important things you can take away from this post, and were big ones we debriefed about after some frustrated conversations.

• Make the choice between utility/resourcefulness and quality time. I can get pretty ambitious about trying to reduce waste, using non-disposable items, and maximizing baby-free moments to clean, prep, etc. All those things are well and good but if you try to do all those things 100%, you are choosing that over quality time together. I'm not saying use only Styrofoam and a new cup for every drink. Next time, I'll bring some paper or compostable dishes and create a soapy bowl or bucket to toss utensils and dishware into to create one dishwashing time. I'll also put quality time or relaxing first!
• Quality family time ≠ Quality couple time. We made wonderful memories as a family, but between all the work camping takes and wrangling a 7 month old, Brandon and I barely interacted as a couple, let alone had any physical contact! 3 things that we will do differently next time:
1. When (or if) baby takes a nap, take those first 15-30 minutes to connect in some way or relax together enjoying your surroundings.
2. If there's a time that baby is content with some independent playtime, again, take those first few minutes to connect even if it's just to hug and share a laugh over something that happened that morning before you start tackling clean-up duties.
3. Separate sleeping space for baby. So many reasons for that one! 

Camping with a baby and seeing their wonder as they look at the trees and touch the dirt is really amazing. It is also a rare time of being completely unplugged together. It takes work, but it is so worth it!

For more tips, check out Roadtripping & Camping with a Baby Part 2!

Thank you for allowing me to include some affiliate links in this post.

home.

There's no place like home.

dearphotograph.com

When we were kids, home was a very concrete place. It was that house where we spent our formative years... learning to ride bikes, getting sent to our room, decorating for Christmas, building forts... That house had a smell, sounds, textures, voices that have been ingrained into our memories.

I {Jenny} remember the winding road lined with trees that led to "the little blue house." The swing on the big oak tree, the fort in the backyard, the playhouse that my mom built, smells of playdough, making english muffin pizzas, sharing a queen size bed with Ashton, my dad's corndog and chili dinners, riding bikes to the Ciraulo's...

I {Brandon} can recall building fences, decks, and playhouses with dad, the way a crisp fall Saturday morning feels as you head out to play soccer, and the smell of mom's spaghetti filling the house as we completed homework. Summer brought us endless games of baseball and street hockey until we couldn't see the ball any longer.

It's interesting that in your 20's, home is such a fluid concept. Brandon and I have talked about how home is where we live together in a particular stage. We've yet to establish a home as in a physical address. That will come in time and probably with kids...

But for now we're saying goodbye to a place that we have known as a couple for 2 years and Brandon has called home for almost 30 years. Things will be different from this point on, but we said yes to life changing when we said "I do".

The morning of our wedding day, I {Brandon} woke up in a hotel room shared by my three brothers. I had shared rooms with brothers for the better part of 20 years. As I got dressed, it struck me that I would never start my day from that point of view again. Now I wake up to my wife greeting me with a kiss.

It reminds me {Jenny} of how quickly life changed that week. One night I was sitting as an unmarried daughter watching Father of the Bride with my parents around me, a few nights later I was driving away from our reception as a wife knowing that life would never look the same.

Past places and phases of life hold special memories, but each transition leads us closer to who we are becoming and where God wants us to be.

It's still hard, it's still painful. But we always hope.

His take, Her take

Traveling as a couple is quite an experience. There is so much you learn about each other as you are put in situations you wouldn't normally experience in everyday life. We were talking with friends of ours today about this and one of them said to just wait until we travel with kids. Yikes!

Here are some things I {Jenny} learned about Brandon:

We knew we wanted to rent a car for portions of our trip in Europe. But I'll be honest. I was so nervous about Brandon driving around Europe! I was also very curious to see how he would respond to certain things... the language barrier, different cultural norms, a parade of churches and museums, street vendors shoving objects in your face...

I have more faith in him as a competent driver than before. He was awesome on the autobahn and in a baptism by fire in the streets of Florence. There were times when we had to fight across lines of vespas and cars to make a turn and he did it! Round-abouts? No problem! There were times I wanted to hide my eyes when we were on those crazy two-lane freeways with big-rigs on one side and sportscars racing up behind us, but he rocked our sweet little Opel.

I was impressed at how Brandon jumped into each city without much reservation. He was attempting to speak the language and greeting shopkeepers and restaurant staff. His smile and kind greeting was warmly received wherever we went. I loved that! He is such a social learner. He thrives and learns through interpersonal connections. Every place we went, he was trying to start up conversations. I really admire that quality in him as I tend to be more reserved and introverted.

I was also surprised at Brandon's appreciation of the art we enjoyed. It was wonderful to share those art gallery walks with him. I loved how much we connected over art and history. Brandon has such a sense of adventure that I'm not sure I really knew the extent of before this trip. He was up for trying just about anything and taking my long walks... even after he had already experienced a few.

We shared so many wonderful experiences together. As with walking through each new challenge or experience, I love Brandon more now than I did when we married.

Here are some things I {Brandon} learned about Jenny:

In preparing for this trip, I relied on Jenny for a lot of the planning since she had been there before and was familiar with many of the things we were going to encounter. I know she's a planner and I love that about her and that we share that in common, but I was blown away with the level of detail she put into her planning. We didn't waste a moment on our trip and it was all thanks to her.

I was a bit nervous about the language barrier and having to converse in German, Italian, and French along our way. I knew that Jenny spoke French, but I was stunned by how beautifully she spoke it and how well she engaged the native French in all sorts of situations. Restaurants, on the phone, conducting business. Definitely a wow moment seeing her in that element. She is definitely a world traveler and she is in her element exploring this part of the world.

I learned that my wife is a bigger history buff than I realized. As we explored the sites and museums of Normandy, I loved that she was as into finding beaches, buildings, and exhibits as I was and I loved talking about the events and impacts as we drove.

I also discovered Jenny's public transportation persona. She gets incredibly serious, especially on subways and it's pretty intimidating. It's a stone cold forward facing look that says "DON'T mess with me!" It took me several uneasy trips to figure this out and I completely understand it now, considering all of her trips to Europe before this have been as a single woman. I'm glad that I can be there for her now and protect her from the guy in a Napoleonic outfit singing and dancing with a baby doll and the drunken English college students jumping up and down and shouting. Both true events on our trip.

Something my in-laws did not clue me in on before we left was something called a "Jenny-walk." To define it, a "Jenny-walk" starts as a walk to a destination that is "just a few blocks away." You may or may not get to that original destination, but the walk branches out from there until you've found yourself miles from where you started seeing things you never intended. Though we returned exhausted and with sore feet, those walks are now fond memories.

Blaming GPS and other invaluable lessons learned on the art of travel

During our trip to Europe, we learned a lot. We learned more about each other (more on that later) and we learned more about the art of traveling. Here are some of the top lessons we learned:

1. Print and organize copies of all your confirmations for hotels, train tickets, plane tickets, attractions, etc. It is also helpful to print maps of where each hotel is located; this is a great quick reference for you and for a taxi driver.
2. Try to fly in and out of the same airport
3. At that airport, rent a car for touring that you can return to the same airport. Traveling from point A to B with trains, buses, subways... can add up fast. A car rental is helpful if you plan on doing a lot of day trips or moving between several cities.
4. Car rentals in Europe from major airports are not very expensive per day. If you drop the car somewhere else, expect to pay A LOT! That was an expensive novice mistake.
5. There is a fine balance between time and money. An occasional splurge to save time (the car rental, taking a taxi) is often worth it.
6. Take plenty of cash. Budget well and write down purchases down to the last euro to answer the question "What happened to all our money?"
7. Tipping is different in Europe. Service is usually included in your tab and 1-2 euros will suffice for a sit-down tab. If the service is exceptional and the restaurant is on the nicer end, a more generous tip may be appropriate.
8. Sitting down at a restaurant or cafe will usually cost you. Especially at major landmarks and in outdoor areas. We avoided paying a hefty price for gelato by looking at the prices and not being afraid to get up and walk away.
9. Don't be afraid to exercise your NO. Being nice or polite to pushy vendors or people following you will only encourage them to push more. Give a firm, clear NO and people will leave you alone. We had vendors nearly touching us and thrusting flowers in our faces, we became very good at saying NO.
10. Take time to rest and eat. There's nothing worse than a cranky traveling companion.
11. Try to keep a stash of snacks from the grocery store handy. Grocery stores are wonderful spots to get drinks and snacks for a fraction of the cost of those carts by the tourist attractions.
12. Take water bottles to Europe. Fill them up at the hotel and you'll be set for some summer sightseeing. We brought water purification pills, but found our water to be drinkable at every hotel we stayed at.
13. Bring your phone. You never know when you'll need to call a hotel or use wifi to confirm a reservation. Be sure to read your service provider's tips on traveling internationally. Turn off roaming, data, and 3G. If you receive data via mobile service (not wifi), you will be charged $19.98 per MB in most countries. Sign up for global calling and text messaging (this costed about $16 on one of our iphones).
14. There's nothing like a good map. Even if you've been to the city before... *ahem* I have a tendency in being overconfident in cities I've visited before and contributed to a few of our longer exploratory walks/drives... We had many: Florence & Rome airport, London, Normandy, Paris...
15. Speaking of navigation, if you rent a car, get GPS! This will save you time and frustration. That way instead of getting mad at each other, you can blame the maker of the navigation system for coming out with such a shoddy product to get you lost. :)
16. For each destination, make a list with your fellow travelers of the must-see/must-do items and a secondary list. This helps with time prioritization and making sure that everyone is represented in planning daily itineraries.
17. Get out early (there'll be time for naps later). You'll be able to get a jump on the queues and you're likely to see a different city as it wakes up as opposed to the heavily trafficked version.
18. Gaining some familiarity with the language will take you far! People who speak English at popular destinations is very common, but if you are brave and graciously try to speak their language, most people will respect and appreciate the gesture. This is most valuable in France where the French are very proud of their language. At least master "hello", "thank you", and "please". Bonjour, Bon giorno, Gutentag Merci, Grazie, Danke S'il vous plait, Per favore, Bitte
19. For a cheaper meal, search for a spot further away from the attractions without outdoor seating.
20. Be sure to pack: sunscreen, bug spray, bandaids (blisters), clothing detergent, good walking shoes, outlet converter and wattage transformer
21. I cannot stress having good walking shoes enough! If you are lucky to find some that are more subdued or stylish, good for you. Brand shoes scream American, but if your feet aren't aching it won't matter as much. My Rainbow flipflops declared mutiny on my feet and I missed my old Birkenstocks that didn't survive my move to WA.
22. The most important thing: Be patient with the process and each other. In Rome a tour guide told us the rule of 70% in Europe. Things will work out 70% of the time. Accepting this will help you avoid some unnecessary stress. Even with hours and hours of planning, there will still be surprises. Stay on each other's team and work through it together. The more skilled you become at problem-solving together, traveling and, consequently living life, becomes more fun and beautiful.

Perception

In michaelangelo's depiction of judgement day, you may notice that the vision, the perception, of the damned is obscured. An eye is covered on every figure. Our Vatican tour guide explained that michaelangelo's purpose is to show how the perception of those people is flawed and they cannot see their sin clearly nor their need for Christ; therefore, they reject Christ and choose hell.

I began thinking about this issue of perception as I read Love & War (by John and Stasi eldredge) and I'm becoming frustrated with my weaker eye. My right eye sees clearly, my left eye is very blurred--together it's a headache. The irony of my physical perception problem is that this present chapter speaks to the issue of Satan's role in trying to destroy marriages. His primary strategy is trying to get us to make "agreements" with him. "Now, what the father of lies does is put his 'spin' on a situation. It typically comes as a 'thought' or 'feeling.'" For example: "she doesn't really love you. He'll never change. She's always doing that."

Perception is important, isn't it? How easily we can cover an eye to the truth or not correct our vision when it is flawed.

As for us, we are trying to be more mindful of agreements every day, especially as romantic adventures like Europe seem further away and more perilous adventures like moving our lives 700 miles south become imminent realities.

What an adventure we find ourselves on... together.