{almost} 5 years of marriage strategies

With weddings to attend this summer and our upcoming five year anniversary, I have wondered what  strategies or traits have we developed that helped us grow a thriving marriage? It certainly wasn't luck or lack of problems...

Sure, there are couples with amazing marriages more seasoned than our own, but there is something unique to each season of marriage and the challenges of this time are still very fresh in our memories. After the butterflies and "all we need is love" mentality ended, we had to get to work. Here are a few marriage strategies we've learned in the first 5 years:

• Forgiveness is final. Once you have forgiven your spouse, the act is in the past and cannot be used as ammunition in future arguments.
• Hit the pause button. We learned after far too many long, frustrating nights, that the verse "don't let the sun go down on your anger" should not be used to drive each other to delirium in the wee hours of the morning in a circular argument. Try to resolve disagreements quickly. Endlessly listing every aspect of your spouse's actions and why you were hurt is not helpful. If the disagreement isn't going anywhere, find a place to peacefully stop the conversation, agree on a time to finish the discussion, and say goodnight.
• Don't say the "d" word. Using words like "divorce" in the midst of a heated argument is corrosive and inflammatory.
• Seek wise counsel. Find marriage mentors, a trusted couple unrelated to either of you, and/or married peers who will actively support and encourage your marriage. And listen to their advice!
• Let go of toxic relationships. If there are people in your life who belittle or undermine your spouse or marriage, in the interest of growing a healthy marriage, it may be time to move on from those friendships. *note added* make sure you are not that toxic person... We committed to never tear each other down with others. When we are apart, we still speak kindly and respectfully about each other, even if we've had a disagreement.  Gossiping about your own spouse creates an attitude of  resentment and disrespect toward your spouse in you and in those listening. 
• Do things together. Find activities that you can enjoy together (things that aren't passive like TV). For us, we have enjoyed working out, cooking, playing games, completing projects together, going to dinner. Making this time to do things together, takes more effort after having kids!
• Do things separately. Give each other space to have time alone or to pursue your passions. Each person in the relationship needs this time, even if they haven't mentioned it. We've gotten to the point where I will directly ask Brandon, "Do you need 'cave time'"? And he will do the same for me.
• Invest in same-sex friendships. Every husband needs other male friends, every wife needs other female friends. You CANNOT be everything for each other. We already have a savior, and he is not you or your spouse.
• Take time out to dream/plan. Whether it's weekly, monthly, or quarterly, make a point of talking about how things are going, what you envision happening in the future, and what you would like to happen. This may involve making lists or action steps.

• You are a new and unique family. While you both remain a part of your original families and under the "umbrella" of that family, the two of you have your own family or "umbrella" that your parents are not a part of. (The umbrella metaphor is originally from my Grandpa.)
• Be out with the in-laws. When it comes to navigating each other's families, understand that you come from different backgrounds so the spouse related to the family should take the lead on communication and decision-making since they speak the same language in a sense. Give space and respect to the way your in-laws do/see things even if you disagree.
• Get involved. Don't just attend church, participate. Serving in ministry will deepen your faith, introduce you to new people, and bond you closer to your spouse.
• Pray. No, really. I'm not talking about a passive "bless our marriage" prayer. Pray together, pray separately, pray for each other. If there's an issue going on, pray as soon as you can. Before and/or after a heavy conversation, pray. Before making a decision, pray. Intently seeking God for specific requests has deepened our faith and our marriage.

Hopefully this encourages you in your marriage! What are strategies that have worked for you?

1st Father's Day

Dear Daddy,

 

You are teaching me so much.

 

One day, maybe I'll be able to build and fix things like you.

 One day, maybe I'll play sports like you. 

 One day, maybe I'll be able to cook and barbeque like you.

While I don't know what I'll be or what I'll do when I grow up.

I'm thankful that you are my daddy and that you love me no matter what!

Love, Aaron



Making an Egg Incubator

 

Last year we made a garden addition to our backyard which we loved! The fresh tomatoes, strawberries, peppers, and blueberries were delicious. This spring we'll be adding something new to our backyard: chickens! 

Since we have shifted our diet to "real food" (organic, unprocessed), we have been enjoying lots of farm fresh eggs! Organic, pastured eggs cost $6-7/dozen at the farmers' market which gets expensive. We have been talking about the possibility of chickens for a while and decided now would be a great time to start. We also didn't want to endorse the inhumane hatchery industry by purchasing chicks from the local feed supply.

We have a friend who has a lovely brood of chickens who supplied our {hopefully} fertilized eggs. Other supplies I gathered were:

• Styrofoam cooler
• Thermometer and humidity reader
• Small bowl for water
• Sponge
• Lamp
• 25 watt bulb
• Glass/plastic from picture frame
• Duct tape  
• Fertilized eggs from local brood

 Step 1: Outline your glass/plastic from your picture frame on the lid of the cooler. Then cut a viewing square that is smaller than your glass/plastic so it won't fall through.

 Step 2: Tape glass/plastic window onto the top of the cooler lid with duct tape taking care to completely seal the top.

Step 3: Cut a hole in the side of the cooler for the bulb. Put lamp post into hole from the outside then screw bulb into socket. Use duct tape around the hole to avoid heat loss.

 Step 4: Find a spot for the incubator and prop the lamp post. Make sure an outlet is nearby to plug in the lamp.

 Step 5: Put water into the bowl, place sponge into the bowl--this is for humidity. Place water bowl into incubator near bulb. Place eggs together furthest away from the bulb (Make a mark with pencil on the eggs to help with remembering which way to turn them) with thermometer/humidity reader near them.

Step 6: Put the lid on and monitor, monitor, monitor! According to this website, the optimal temperature is 98-101 and the humidity between 55-70%.

I'm using a log to keep track of the temperature, humidity, and egg rotations. So far I've learned that it is very tricky to maintain the right conditions in the incubator. We'll see how this goes in 21 days!

*Overdue* Before & After Photos

This past year has been crazy. So many unexpected things have happened... More on that later...

I have been meaning to post before and after photos of our house for the longest time! We bought the house April 2012 and moved in July 2012 so it's high time for an update!

Exterior:

Here's a diptic of the progression of changes that our house underwent...


The outside, before:

Doesn't everyone love to see siding dissolving off of a house? So thankful to have all of it replaced!

 The outside, after:

It looks so sweet! I love the lighting and the gray and white! At some point we'll be replacing the roof and hope to make some changes to the trim and the pitch of the front porch.

This is the site of our wonderful garden, but this photo was taken before we put it in. Also, note the change of where the backyard access is. The slider is gone and french doors were put in at the back of the house. Love that change!

 The kitchen and dining area, before:

You have no idea how many random things we found behind that old oven. Gross! I must say though, that even in its greasy brown and green state, the original kitchen was a special place during the remodel where we would plan, pray, and celebrate. 

The kitchen and dining area, after:

Everything was updated! New cabinets, counters, fridge, oven, microwave, sink.... But we are still putting up with the original dishwasher. Note the glorious eat-in nook Brandon built!

One more photo of our cozy but adorable kitchen!

The family room, before:

The original smell in this room was quite powerful... We also loved all the diy holes that the previous owners drilled into all the main rooms to provide cable lines.

The family room, after:

Such a wonderful space. It has been so fun adding touches over the past year and seeing it all come together.

The master bedroom and bath, before:

The master bedroom and bath, after:

 Love our diy headboard still!

The office/guestroom, before:

Can you tell by Brandon's body language, how he's feeling about taking on this project? :) There was some pretty gnarly graffiti in this room. It was banished by about 2 coats of Killz primer, some hand sanding, texturizing, and paint.

The office/guestroom, after:

The 3rd bedroom, before:

The 3rd bedroom, after:

This picture makes it obvious what one of the biggest things we are anticipating is... Our baby boy! Due 8-31-13!!! The nursery looks very different now. I'll have to compose a post once it's complete.

The guest bathroom, before:

We were sad to find that the white tile was hiding black mold. Eventually, we'll retile; for now we put in a basic insert.

The guest bathroom, after:

 

The garage, before:

This is blurry, sorry. Notice again, Brandon's face if you can see. He's looking a bit overwhelmed! The garage was originally converted into a laundry room and another living space with a drop ceiling. It was dark, dingy, and sad looking. It was also poorly done. This was the first area we attacked when we got the keys.

The garage, after:

It has changed a lot! This is going to become Brandon's man cave. Notice how much happier he is in this photo! Happy to be done with lots of renovating and to have a functional garage. 

With home ownership, you're never "done". More projects to come, but we are so thankful to have a sweet, comfortable, beautiful, and clean home to build our family in! One of the best things about taking on this project in our town is that house values have been going up as we've made improvements. Our appraised value increased 171%!!!